(March, 2000)

I didn't see it coming, you know.

Then again, can anyone? Can anyone truly understand, not merely intellectually but spiritually and emotionally as well, that they will not exist forever, that one day their mortality will claim them? I don't think that that is possible, but then, I know no mind but my own, and even that matters little, because I am dying. But I digress.

I really didn't see it coming.

Life had just begun to slip into place. I had just received that precious declaration of my educational worth, and it would have been fjust a matter of time until that great, faceless creature named Business came to see me. I had just wed my love, and we were about to begin planning our future together, but I guess she'll have to do that alone now because I will be gone soon. But that was not the point.

How could I have seen it coming?

This is the time for regret, I suppose, little time as it is. I barely had a chance to be an adult, and though I've been able to drink for over a year, I never did take my friends up on their weekly invites to go to the pub. Rarely did I allow myself a moment to love or be loved, so intent was I on reaching a glorious future that will never be mine now. But that really doesn't matter anymore, I guess.

Does anyone ever see it coming?

Why didn't I kiss her goodbye before I hopped into the car? Why didn't I tell her I loved her? Why didn't I bother making time for having fun and being young? Why did I waste all that I could have done for a non-existent future gain? I really wish I could have seen it coming.